I've been oddly emotional lately.
It's not that I find emotions odd, but that I find the emotions I've been having odd. Odd in their timing, odd in what triggers them.
My last breakup really bothered me, but I kind of retreated into a protective emotional shell when I saw it coming. I think I've seen the signs too many times to be surprised any more, so I sort of unconsciously start to buffer myself. But as I talk to people, months later, the hurt and the frustration come out and friends say "I was wondering about that. You seemed to take it all weirdly well."
I get brief spurts of energy. I'll be interested in the idea of dating for maybe ten minutes, but then lose all my steam. I can't even get through a single online personals ad.
I get weepy, but not at sad things. I get weepy at happy, hopeful things. Movies that show people deeply in love, or long friendships, or childhood dreams that are still alive. When I see these things, I feel my eyeballs begin to float and I wonder ... "why?"
The simple answer is depression. I'm a bit depressed, and have been for a bit. It's a hard word to own, because I often feel quite content, but I guess that content doesn't really cut it. Still, why else would images of loss and sadness leave no mark upon me, while scenes of happiness reduce me to tears? Why else would this respite from project-mania leave me so listless and unwilling to get to the real work that I claim to want to do? Why do I want to nap all the time (even though I never do)?
I keep talking about getting a dog, but I'd probably be a terrible dog owner. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a puppy. I resent restrictions on my freedom, and am not an outdoors person. Again, the answer is fairly straightforward, but hard to face. A dog would be an attempt to fill whatever void I'm trying to ignore. That's a bad position to put people in, and it's not a good position for an animal either.
Not a very upbeat journal entry, but the bit about tearing up over happy moments has been preying on me lately.
I guess I just am hoping that putting it in words, throwing it to the ether, will help a little bit. Name a thing and it loses power over you ... at least to a certain extent. And who knows, this depression may just be the result of disappointment and fatigue, neither of which go away quickly just because you want them to.
With that in mind, I'm off to bed. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
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The senseless ravings of a lover, poet, and lunatic. Granted the three terms are pretty much synonyms, but you can learn to deal with that over time.
4 comments:
I don't have an explanation... but I've been far more susceptible to weird emotional things ever since Ivan was born. Perhaps you had an imaginary kid?
Perhaps you can make the summer blues into some form of writing (poetry, theater, fiction, journalling)
I'd make you some chocolate chip happiness cookies if I was in the area. :)
-eden
Sweetie pie. I think it's smart to share stuff like that...Examining it consistently may lead to a moment of clarity in which you are able to really transcend the feelings and simply view them...
and this moment may point to solutions/actions/ways of doing and being that allow for a transition..
I had a moment like the one I've described above around my own feelings of insecurity. While it's glib to say that I was no longer insecure, afterwards I had a different relationship with my insecurity altogether- and this in turn affected my relationships with others (from which so much joy and so much grief can flow)
p.s. are you fringing? If so, when?
Not doing a Fringe show this year, but doing The Heidi Chronicles opens on Sep 25th and runs through all October at the Next Stage.
I'm feeling much better lately, although I continue to examine my emotional responses, or lack of emotional responses to things as they occur.
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