Feelings

I've been oddly emotional lately.

It's not that I find emotions odd, but that I find the emotions I've been having odd. Odd in their timing, odd in what triggers them.

My last breakup really bothered me, but I kind of retreated into a protective emotional shell when I saw it coming. I think I've seen the signs too many times to be surprised any more, so I sort of unconsciously start to buffer myself. But as I talk to people, months later, the hurt and the frustration come out and friends say "I was wondering about that. You seemed to take it all weirdly well."

I get brief spurts of energy. I'll be interested in the idea of dating for maybe ten minutes, but then lose all my steam. I can't even get through a single online personals ad.

I get weepy, but not at sad things. I get weepy at happy, hopeful things. Movies that show people deeply in love, or long friendships, or childhood dreams that are still alive. When I see these things, I feel my eyeballs begin to float and I wonder ... "why?"

The simple answer is depression. I'm a bit depressed, and have been for a bit. It's a hard word to own, because I often feel quite content, but I guess that content doesn't really cut it. Still, why else would images of loss and sadness leave no mark upon me, while scenes of happiness reduce me to tears? Why else would this respite from project-mania leave me so listless and unwilling to get to the real work that I claim to want to do? Why do I want to nap all the time (even though I never do)?

I keep talking about getting a dog, but I'd probably be a terrible dog owner. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a puppy. I resent restrictions on my freedom, and am not an outdoors person. Again, the answer is fairly straightforward, but hard to face. A dog would be an attempt to fill whatever void I'm trying to ignore. That's a bad position to put people in, and it's not a good position for an animal either.

Not a very upbeat journal entry, but the bit about tearing up over happy moments has been preying on me lately.

I guess I just am hoping that putting it in words, throwing it to the ether, will help a little bit. Name a thing and it loses power over you ... at least to a certain extent. And who knows, this depression may just be the result of disappointment and fatigue, neither of which go away quickly just because you want them to.

With that in mind, I'm off to bed. We shall see what tomorrow brings.