Saturday, January 28, 2012

A rather long and drawn out post about religion

I got an email from a friend recently asking for clarification on whether or not I still believed in God. She is going through some spiritual searching and was curious as to why I left the church and what that actually meant for me in terms of my beliefs.

I replied, and while my reply felt a little ... aggressive ... it was an honest outlining of my feelings. In short, I am unresolved on the question of divinity but I pretty firmly reject the concept of divinity as expressed by most people. Or, more concretely, I don't know if I believe in "God", but I probably don't believe in what you mean by "God."

Then, a few days later I was reading a short story that was set during a couple's honeymoon. The narrator was a recently pregnant "cultural Jew," and her husband was a rather strident atheist. The gist of the tale revolved largely around how the impending birth of a chile had raised significant questions about her cultural identity (which had no real theological component) and his militant attitudes about pretty much anything.

I was quite struck by both the overall exploration of ideology and identity, but also by the particular characterizations employed. On her side, she had something that she had somewhat passively accepted her entire life as a defining characteristic and deeply resented that it would be a problem for her husband. At the same time, she realized that the things she were holding on to had no real root in what she believed in and no actual intrinsic meaning. On the other hand, he had a very strong sense of justice, a clear intellectual foundation for his perspective, but was rude and arrogant about it. Two people who were right in lots of ways, struggling to come to terms with where they were being a bit blind.

Then, today, I was listening to KQED and they were having a debate about whether we are better off, culturally, with or without religion. The debate itself seemed a bit of a wash, and I was quite put off by the "Oxford style" of debate, which mostly seemed to involve cutting people off so that they felt compelled to talk faster and louder when they *did* have the mic.

Now, the conjunction of question, short story, and radio debate is purely coincidental, but it nevertheless has had me thinking about my current relationship to faith.

I'm not sure if I can express this any better than I did in my reply to my friend, but let me give it a try.

I believe that there is a possibility that some form of intelligence has acted to shape life and the universe as we know it... but find it highly unlikely. I am always wary of making absolute statements about things I don't have all the facts on, but the older I get the less sense it makes to subscribe to the idea of orchestrated creation.

I most certainly do not believe in an omnipotent and omniscient being whose primary concern is my personal well being and the state of my soul. I just can't make any heads or tails out of the logic of such a thing, and it seems to simply be a way for people to feel better about themselves. People need to feel special, and having God in their corner is a pretty damn good way to accomplish that feeling of specialness.

I also don't particularly think that "the universe" gives a shit about what you put out into it or not. I think that if you do good, and if you're on the lookout for good, and know how to recognize opportunities, and get out of the house once in a while... you have a greater likelihood of having positive experiences, or at least viewing your circumstances in a positive way.

I don't think that religion in and of itself is by its very nature good or bad. Great things have been done under the umbrella of religion and horrible things have been done. Great things have been done without the influence of religion, and horrible things have been done as well. To say that religion makes the world a better or worse place is just looking for a fight as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think that religion makes you inherently more racist or sexist or anything like that. I think that people use their belief in their god to justify anything and everything that they currently believe. Indeed, this is my biggest problem with religious behavior: the appealing to the divine approval of the speaker's personal loves and hates. It prevents most rational discussion about heated subjects. Now, again, you can be an atheist and still resort to shouting at people who disagree with you. I'm not saying that all religious people do this and that non-religious people don't. But as soon as you take the attitude of "I'm right, and God backs me up, and here's a passage from my holy text that shows that I'm right." Well, that's the end of the discussion, isn't it? You can point out inconsistencies in their thinking, other passages in their own writing that contradict their attitude, point out the historical context that their verse was written in, and so forth but it doesn't matter. You're no longer in a discussion, or fight, that anyone can learn from.

So far, I've been pretty general in my characteristics of "religion" and "religious people." There is one thing fairly particular to Christianity that has always bothered me. By "always" I mean, even when I was in Seminary. Conversion and the Punishment of Hell.

This is where I just can't get on board. The idea that "if you don't agree with me and understand the universe and your place in it the way that I do... you will die and suffer eternally in the pit of Hell" creates such cognitive frisson that sense becomes nonsense and hate becomes love.

Agnostics and atheists and members of other religions have often expressed bafflement to me that "Christians" can so often speak and behave with such hate, when they are professing love. What they don't understand that those "Christians" honestly and truly believe that whatever you are, or do, or say is in violation of their God's law and that unless you repent and become like they are... you will suffer for all eternity. They don't want you to suffer for all eternity, so it is vitally important that they stop you from being who you are, doing what you do, or thinking what you think. It's the only way to save you from eternal suffering.

Is this concern simply a mask so that they can justify their own hatreds? Sometimes. Maybe even oftentimes. But for many people, the ones who aren't purple in the face and spitting while they tell you how much God loves them, it's quite genuine. The threat of hell is so deeply ingrained in many Christian traditions that fighting that which is foreign and "wrong" is of the most absolute importance. If they don't fight, then you will burn in Hell forever, and you will convince other people to turn away from salvation and then they will burn in Hell forever. This is often a quite sincere belief.

The shift from "I believe the universe is ordered in this way, according to these principles, and this brings comfort and meaning to my life" to "believe my truth or you will suffer for all eternity and lead others to suffer as well and it is my obligation to ensure that you are saved from yourself" has resulted in a LOT of ugliness.

So, what does this say about me? What label to I wear? For all practical intents and purposes, I guess you would call me an atheist. The thing is, though... I don't feel comfortable with that title. I believe that there are things out there that we don't understand. I don't know for certain that when the brain dies, there is nothing left of us. I am not utterly convinced that there is not an existence that runs alongside our own, separated by a dimension that can only be perceived between electrons and that much of our "supernatural phenomena" is not linked to this. I just don't know, and I like to think that I can still be amazed by what is out there. I think that religious faith can have a real beauty to it and that it can be a powerful impact on the world for good. So, I am unwilling to wear the uniform of the hard core atheist. I don't have any interest in crusades to liberate the masses from their superstition delusions or anything like that.

But for me, here in this place and at this time: I am content to exist in the world, and not rely on supernumeraries to guide my destiny, reward my faith, and punish me for my disobedience. It's a good life, and I don't need to make myself more important than I am.