grouch

I think I need to change some gears somewhere. I went to bed grouchy last night and woke up cantankerous.

Objectively, I can understand it. I've had a lot of frustrations lately, most of which of an organizational nature, but also some of an artistic origin. Last minute reschedules that throw a carefully balanced day out of whack and even threaten to scuttle the work of a half dozen people, too many things on the same day so that I barely see the sun, hours spent reviewing material that ultimately isn't fruitful... it's not wonder I'm a bit cumudgeony. Still, I look at my behavior, and my mood, and know that I could be handling things more gracefully.

I'm too invested, if such a thing make sense. I take my own challenges and frustrations too much to heart. I feel responsible for everything, so when I encounter an obstacle to things working properly I feel that it's my fault or my job to make it right immediately. When people behave in a way that upsets my sense of order, or courtesy, I seethe but attempt to maintain a politic front because I feel that venting my spleen will damage the work.

My world is becoming very narcissistic. I have the power to make it work, or I have the power to destroy it all. This is making for a very grouchy Dan. Also a hypocritical one, at least artistically, as I had pointed out to me last night after Radiostar.

June and July are supposed to be my vacation months, but I'm not feeling particularly refreshed right now. Ironically, I have a lot of things to be happy about. The Sweetie Tanya CD is coming along nicely, and in truth Steve Kahn is the mastermind behind making it all work right now. As producer, most of what I've been doing is trying to assist with scheduling and people wrangling to make sure that the work can get done smoothly. The new animated version of Radiostar is eagerly embraced, and I really enjoy doing them. The short piece I've agreed to direct for the Fringe Festival in September is half cast (as opposed to half-caste, which would be a whole different kettle of fish) with my first choices, and the script is shaping up nicely.

But despite it all, I'm feeling surly.

I need to re-embrace the idea of vacation in July, and find the fun again.