new skins on old fears

Everyone has at least one recurring dream. I tend to find myself back in school, being informed that I have to retake a class that I never took, or failed, or else they'll revoke my diploma. In these dreams, I am having a hard time finding my classroom, trying to negotiate the requirement with my work needs, and generally trying to deal with the fact that I'm 25, 30, 35, 39 years old and stuck in a high school class.

The underlying fears are pretty clear. My forward progress in life is halted or retarded by something left undone, a failing never acknowledged or discovered. Something hidden in me threatens everything should it ever be discovered. This failing, this inadequacy will bring me not only inconvenience but shame.

Last night I had a different dream. Same theme, new twist. This dream had friends with tech connections asking me veiled questions about an old computer of mine, and then flat out telling me that due to video files on my old CSLA computer, I was under investigation by the federal government for copyright infringement. (I used to identify short clips in movies to be used to illustrate points in presentations. Everything was fair use, and our process was checked by a lawyer.) In my dream, I knew that what this ultimately meant for me was that they would come for the house.

I woke up reflecting on this. It's ultimately the school dream. But instead of something undone being revealed and threatening my forward progress, something DONE was being revealed. From the sin of omission to the sin of commission. Also, instead of simply causing embarrassment, the danger is to my home. For the first time, I have something concrete that can be threatened.

My life has undergone a major shift, and now my dreams are catching up to that shift. Social stigma is no longer the worst that can be done. I can be financially ruined now, left homeless and deep in debt. I can be a target.

This is probably part of the lassitude I've been feeling lately, the ennui that's settled over my otherwise quite content existence. I shouldn't be surprised that my standard dream is undergoing changes as well.