having the stones for it

I woke up yesterday at 6:30 am, and I was in pain. It was a very specific kind of pain, and one that I've learned to recognize. Imagine that someone jammed their knuckle into your kidney, then left it there, and slowly twisted. That's the pain. I had experienced a toned down, and brief bout of this two nights earlier, so I knew that a kidney stone was passing, but normally I only get one bout of pain. This second bout just kept going, and going. After two hours of pacing around my apartment, trying to stretch and massage my kidneys to allow easier passage for the little invader, I finally gave in and called a taxi to get me to the hospital. I was near the verge of tears, and that's too much pain to "tough it out" through.

The cab itself took about a half hour to arrive, despite the initial assurances that it would be there in "five to ten minutes". It's one of the few times I truly regretted not having my own transportation.

Still, the emergency room at Kaiser Hospital was not terribly busy at 9am on Wednesday and I was screened almost immediately and taken into the E.R. proper. What was odd, however, was being security scanned before I was allowed to enter the emergency room. It was like boarding a plane. I had to empty my pockets and get wand scanned before I could hobble into the reception area. Life in Oakland, I suppose.

The rest of my stay was rather surprising and at times even fun. My nurse noticed my Lunatique Fantastique shirt and revealed that he had met Liebe before, so we traded stories about that and discovered that he also knew Davina Cohen and Thessaly Lerner as well. Very small world. The other nurse who took care of me was about six months pregnant, so we talked about that while she took my vitals and attempted to get my I.V. in. This seems to always be a problem with me, and sure enough I am sporting a very large and painful bruise today. I'm growing to accept that this is going to be inevitable every time an I.V. is attempted.

When I am in pain, I tend to become extra-polite. I almost turn into a Jane Austin character, I am so polite. The control I have to exert to fight the pain translates into a highly formal and pleasant personality, which may explain the extra kind level of service I received while being treated. The room I was in had a SpongeBob Squarepants television/DVD player in it, so they put in a movie for me to watch while I waited for the stone to pass. They had pumped me full of pain meds, and every time they wore off, the pain was less than before, until finally I felt quite normal again. Then they gave me lunch and waited to discharge me until I had finished my sandwich. (Egg salad)

The nurse who knew Liebe had come by a few times with an intern to practice skills on me (I had to prompt the intern once to ask me if I had any allergies), and on their final visit they felt compelled to let me know that they both thought I greatly resembled (and sounded like) James Spader. This last bit has happened to me more times than I can count, but it's the first time I've gotten it with my platinum blond hair.

I went home a little after 3pm. The stone had moved to just above my bladder and is 6.5mm, which is right on the edge of being operable. Any larger and they would have had to use the sound wave machine to blow it apart or reverted to more severe methods of treatment. This is why I had so many hours of agony as it shredded its way down my urinary system. It had reached a safer place, however, and was expected to pass without further incident.

All and all, I was incredibly impressed with the care I was given, which is not something one normally hears about a large HMO.